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Parent Spectator Vs Parent Coaching

So I want to approach this topic from two viewpoints.  The first would be from the perspective of the parent on the sideline.  The second is from the parent coach and taking responsibility for, in my case, 11 other children as well.  The observations, challenges, and hidden inspirations.

  My wife and I got our son into soccer at the age of three.  He is almost seven now and has loved every season.  He has even won all of the individual awards for his teams, mostly sportsmanship awards, and I am very proud of it.  But more so, I am ecstatic that he loves the sport I have a passion for most.  Automatically I felt like the relatability will be there and the whole daddy showing him how it is done.  So here I am taking him to practices that I really thought I would be excited for.  And at first I really was.  But I found myself feeling it was more like a chore.  To be fair though, back when I played, practice always felt like a chore so I am not sure why I thought watching someone practice would be any different.  Everyone wants their kid to be the next super athlete in their given sport and when the spark of talent isn’t inherently there it feels disappointing, at least it did to me.  This isn’t fair to my son and I knew this, and I in no way ever let him catch that vibe.  I decided I would work with him and try to build his interest to be his best.

 Now to brag on him a bit, he became very good for his age and continues to be.  More so, I found myself more proud that he was giving his best effort, not that he was the best.  I tell him all the time that not everything comes easy and to be good at something you have to give it your all and that if he doesn’t feel like he is giving it his best, we could always try something new.  I mean I really do want him to excel at something he is interested in, not just what I want/hope his interest will be in.  I think it is very natural to want something for your child you had and in a way live vicariously through them.  But ultimately it isn’t fair if they only do it to make you happy.  Again, that’s my thoughts.  Lucky for me he loves it though. 

My excitement was back, for a season or two. But, again I noticed my self going through the motions and feeling taking him to practice to be more of a chore.  I spent more time playing on my phone and only looking up long enough to say the occasional “good job” or “way to go.”  It is hard watching toddlers play sometimes because it sometimes just looks like a blob of kids on the ball with no skill at all.  I noticed some parents didn’t even stay.  They dropped them off and left like it was a babysitter watching their child.  Don’t get me wrong, I love going to his games and I probably annoyed more than one of his coaches with my coaching from the side line.  That realization finally kicked in.  I am much more passionate about his playing and connected to him when I am involved.  So I made the decision to coach his next season! 

Sitting on the sideline watching just isn’t for me.  I want to be involved, as much as he will have me, in what he does.  This is soccer, but I think that extends to all aspects of my parenthood now.  Now I am amidst the first season as a coach…with twelve 5 and 6 year olds…for 2 hours a week…CRAZY!  After the first practice I was ready to pull my hair out.  No amount of medication could have calmed these kids down.  I had no idea how far I could go as far as yelling at them etc.  Luckily during the practice, two of the dads decided to help out.  Thank GOD for them!  They are now my assistant coaches and it take all three of us to control these kids even a little.  I may have just gotten a great group of parents but a lot of them came up to me and told me I was good to strong arm them a bit when needed which was very cool to have that trust upfront.  But honestly, after the nerves of the 1st practice, it has been great.

There are definitely hurdles to overcome though when coaching your child.  I would definitely suggest talking with your child before you begin coaching them.  Help them understand what to expect from you.  I let my son know that on the field I wasn’t “Dad” anymore, and that I was coach.  I asked him to be my example to the other kids on how to act.  Which he did a great job of for about the first two practices or so.  But hey, the more kids you put together that harder it is for them to not turn into gremlins.  Same is true with my friends…the more of us that are together, the lower our mental age becomes.  He takes it harder sometimes if I get onto him in practice because I am his dad and I should be giving him the first up for everything right?  Wrong…well maybe I do sometimes lol.  But I very much use this to help him understand nothing will be given to him.  He has to try hard and earn his success. All this being said guys and gals, I strongly urge you to get involved in whatever activity your child takes interest in.  Don’t just sit on the sideline.  I promise you won’t even care what the activity is: Soccer, Dance, music, science, etc.  You will love having a front row seat to your child’s growth as a person. 

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The Ferber Experience

The Backstory

We started sleep training our baby at 6 months. We had used the Ferber Method before with our 3 year old (at about 9 months). But, this time around, my wife and I ran into some snags. Maybe a month after starting the sleep training, we spent a week on vacation to the East Coast. During this time, we spent a good deal of time traveling via plane and the four of us shared a room. We purposely let our progress slide since we wanted the baby to sleep as much as possible on the plane and we wanted to get him to and back to sleep as quickly as possible in the shared room. This was probably not the best decision…

What we created was a baby who only wants to fall asleep nursing or with myself rocking him. We continued this path for 6 weeks thinking that things would naturally progress back into healthy sleep habits. We grew content with either rocking or nursing before bed and and an additional 3 – 4 times at night since it was quick and easy.

The Problem

The real problem arose when my wife had a minor surgery and was unable to lift the baby for 6 weeks. It didn’t take long to highlight the issue with our current sleep predicament. I believe, because we shared the responsibilities of getting the baby back to sleep, the burden was not too great for either parent. Additionally, we altered who ‘got up’ with the baby, so it only felt like 1 – 2 times a night and for less than 5 minutes each time. Now; on the other hand, getting up with the baby 3 – 4 times and preparing 1 – 2 bottles a night was too much and we needed this fixed before we made it any more difficult on ourselves.

The Solution

We have had success with the Ferber Method in the past, and it is pretty straightforward and easy to follow. The hardest part is listening to your baby actively being in distress. But, if executed well and consistently, you’ll have less crying in the long run and a happier family too.

“There is evidence from an evolutionary standpoint that we are wired to respond to children’s cries,” … “This is a very deep drive, and it kind of goes against our natural inclination to ignore this.”

Craig Canapari, M.D., director of the sleep medicine program at the Yale School of Medicine and the author of the forthcoming book, Never Too Late to Sleep Train.

The Plan

The baby’s crib had previously been in the guest room because of some remodeling, so we moved it back into his own room. We moved a rocking chair in there and added some books nearby. I also made sure the sheets were freshly washed and the room nice and clean, since this would be a ‘fresh start’, I wanted everything fresh. We laid out our new bedtime routine as follows:

  • 5:30p solid food, followed by milk
  • 6:30p bathtime
  • 6:50p go for a short walk outside
  • 7:00p read a book in his bedroom and put to bed

One additional part of the plan is that once 7:00p hits and the baby is put in his room, he is not to come out until the next morning. Hence, the need for the rocking chair, for feeding ect…

Important Additional Information

Right away I know that my baby can’t be comforted without being picked up – which per the instructions, we are not supposed to do. For the first couple of nights, I will have to pick him up, but only to get him to calm down. I’ll also try to condition him to allow me to comfort him without picking him up by singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and patting his back in a slow heartbeat-like rhythm. Once baby is calm, I’ll lay him down and continue singing and patting for about a minute. With a bit of luck, he should begin to associate the song and patting with “Calming Down”.

Next, we are also going to try to cut off his night time feedings. So we’ll have on hand some milk, but we’re going to try to limit to amount.

Last, he’s really really stubborn, so expect some long nights…

Night 1

Sept. 21, 2019 – (23% of the night crying)
Phew! This night was tough. Luckily I went to bed at 9:00p to try and offset some of the lack of sleep that I was in for. I got the baby down pretty easily following the Ferber Method. He took about 35 minutes total to go down. So… 3 mins, 5 mins, 8 mins, and 10 minutes. I do think I cheated a bit on that because each round, he was falling asleep on my shoulder, so the last time, he may have just been closer to falling asleep. Each time also, I left him after about 1 minute of patting his back and singing.

The biggest challenge came at 11:10p when the baby woke up and wouldn’t go back to sleep. We tried the normal 3, 5 and 8 minutes before deciding to give him a small bottle. After the bottle and a fresh diaper, we restarted the method (11:45p). Whoa boy…

This round took the most stamina. 3, 5, 8, 10, 12, and 15 minutes. At the very end of the 15 minute frame, at 1:10a he fell asleep completely on his own. Now, you might be thinking, “Hey Ross, these times don’t quite add up.” Well, there is 1 – 3 minutes between each frame to calm him down and oddly enough, after almost every frame, he would lay there (or sleep?) for a few minutes, before crying again.

I guess I should finish with how the night ended. It ended really well actually. After the 1:10a final bedtime, the baby woke up again at 6:50a cooing and chatting happily. We’re ready to continue this experience…

Night 2

Sept 22, 2019 – (11% of the night crying)
Night 2 went better but I still cheated a lot, accidentally; of course, but at least when we were starting out, the baby kept falling asleep on me or with me patting his back. I’m starting to understand the importance of not picking him up, although as mentioned above, currently that is my only way of calming him. However, tonight he did much better with me calming him by singing and patting his back.

The numbers speak for themselves, but as you can see above, he woke at 3:10a. I was able to calm him down and get him back to sleep, but only for 30 – 40 minutes. When he woke back up, we figured he must be hungry, so we fed him and changed his diaper, he took a good bit of settling, but after a big burp I knew he was going back down. Huge sign of improvement here too, he went back down on his own and stayed down the rest of the night.

Night 3

Sept 23, 2019 – (9% of the night crying)
Things are definitely getting smoother. The transition into bedtime went great. I still think I have been cheating a little because he was so tired at bedtime, that I practically had to wake him up for his story and bed. He moaned for about a minute before falling asleep. Tonight was; however, different in that he wok up twice and managed to get himself back to sleep in less than 5 minutes! That part was a huge success and 3 nights in we’re absolutely seeing positive progress.

The biggest challenge came at 2:50a. We waited 8 minutes, tried to soothe him, again for 10 minutes, tried to soothe, and ultimately decided he was too hungry to go back to sleep. My wife fed him, and after a quick burp, he was heading back to sleepy town. Again, we kind of cheated here because he was so tired that he was falling asleep on my wife and ultimately went back to sleep seconds after getting in his crib. He slept till morning and this was the first night in a long time that I have not felt exhausted in the morning.

Night 4

Sept 24, 2019
Oh man we are seeing some progress now! My wife and I chatted about how we have 2 separate goals here. The first is to get the baby to be able to fall asleep on his own. The second is sleeping all night. We discussed it and felt it was better to focus on one at a time, sleeping all night. Tonight when the baby woke up at 2:05a (It is strange that he is waking earlier), we went ahead and fed him. He went right back to sleep with no problems and didn’t wake again until 6:50a. Total time awake all night – less than 20 minutes. He again woke up 2 other times fussing and crying but again, he was able to calm himself back down and fall asleep.

Night 5

Sept 25, 2019 – (9% of the night crying)
We’re pretty consistently getting the baby to fall asleep on his own now, the middle of the night wakeups for eating are pretty tricky. As described above, that’s 2 goals/problems. I think it’s safe to say that the sleep training has worked.

Night 6

Sept 26, 2019 – (8% of the night crying)
Last night of documentation… We’re at only 8% of the night spent awake/crying (technically it was only a few minutes of crying since part of that time he was eating). I might do another blog on how to wean him from his nightly eating, but I think as far the Ferber Method, it was successful and works great!